i love my baby..

It might be a mistake but for now i couldnt care less coz for this moment this is what i want. I dont want to think bout my past, or my future. I just wanna live my life in this moment. i'm sorry for the hearts i hurt or have hurt. I really am. The truth is i did love you, or like.. But it wasnt meant to be i guess.. Plus i'm not that mature!

But this blog entry is dedicated to my current baby!

Abang Mohd Allif.

(love you baby alot alot alot)

The best thing bout new found relationships is the feeling of euphoria..

[For those who dont know what it means, it means a feeling of happiness, confidence, or well-being sometimes exaggerated in pathological states as mania.. But in this case it would mean the butterflies in your stomach, the constant high given by the drug of love, smiles and laughter caused by the slightest thought of your baby or anything related to your baby]

But when it fades off then you'll really see whether you're meant to be or not. Technically if you are meant to be the feeling of euphoria wouldnt completely fade away. It'll be there. Just in subtle terms..

So i guess we'll have to see whether this baby stays or not.

But for now i only have to say "I love my baby yup yup i love my boy"

wordless?

It sucks not knowing what to say. Especially when you're in a conversation with another person and you're frantically trying to think of what to say that doesnt have any bad consequences or whatsoever. When the words finally do come out of your mouth, its either not enough, doesnt fulfill the conversation or it just creates more questions. You're mind then starts to resemble a tornado. With thoughts just spinning around, creating havoc and whatnot.

as the day advances

ok so here i am
sbg 15
kaos world man
reflecting on my life and how i'm living it.
not to the max but to the way i generally liveit.
which, hence, why its my life.

i'm not making any sense am i?
owh well.. its my life
and i'll do whatever i fucking want!

well my hair is blue.
and the events never change.
i dunno whether to call myself loyal or good or blablabla
not that i'm trying to demean myself
but it seems like i'm just...not.

i failed figs again..
ut different sem this time.
i'm so screwed
but i got a job?
is that any better?
i guess not.

i'm at peace with most people.
not with some.
but not at war with anyone.
or at least i dont think so..?

i've been wondering if i'm a nice person.
i've got some esteem and trust issues.
and its got me thinking like hell.
i dunno when to back off or when to go forward.
what i do and waht i think is sometimes right and vice versa.
so nowi guess i will let everything out.
coz keeping it in aint good innit?

you knoe what.
cancel it
i'd rather let it out to other people man!

does it matter?

does it matter at all that i try to make peace with you?
does it matter at all that whenever you change moods i still follow?
does it matter at all that i like talking to you?
does it matter at all how i feel?
does it?
cause thats not what i seem to be getting.
everything i seem to be getting is just negative and against me.
but i cant hope for a best friend.
coz no matter how much he said he would try
and how my happiness means the world to him
i dont think he will.
im sorry that i chose another.
im sorry that unknowingly i gave such a short time.
im sorry that i cause you so much pain and agony.
im really sorry.
but you wont let me properly say im sorry
cause whenever we talk harsh words seem to spill out.
arguements start and never end...
it is better for you to just let me go.
and never talk to me again?
you seemed like the perfect person i could talk to.
but it ended up the same like everyone.
they talk and i listen..
except this time we seem to be argueing more and more
like always eh?
why should this time be any different.
why should it be any different at all?
anything i ask you will be replied with a ''Does it matter?''
''You have plenty of other people to fill up your time. Ppl who are more important to you and whom you've known longer.''
if thats the case then why do i bother talking to you at all?
can it be for the reason that i care for you too?
maybe not the way you want me to but i still care.
more so why do i bother making peace with you?
when all we do is argue the minute we make peace.
why do i fucking bother???
you tell me.

contemplating love

What is love? Isit the fluttering of the butterflies in your stomach? The willingness to do anything for the person you have feelings for? Or would some people describe it as an unspoken bond between two souls that bind them for eternity or so and so. Someone told me love is all about making choices, taking risks, giving things a chance. But when do you really know when to make that choice, or when to take the risk, or when to give things a chance?

Love.. Is it really the best feeling in the world? If it were why would people feel sad over love? Why would you feel guilty over love? Feel mad or feel broken? Is love is that great that we succumb to it purely and wholly till theres nothing left of us?

The truth is no one can define love accurately. Some people can say love sucks, some can say it rocks their world, or some can have no comment at all. But the truth is when love comes it'll hit us all and we'll react in different ways but bottom line is we want love, we want to love and be loved. No matter how hard you push it away, love will still come to you. In different forms or gestures but it's still there whether you realise it or not. And when it comes you might not realise it at first but when you do love really is the best drug in the whole world.

Love can be private and public, but it is never inappropriate...and it should be kept that way. .<33

Things just amaze you.

You know how you'd want, or how you'd list down, or how you'd plan for things to be.. But they don't turn out? Haha well mine is the opposite. [At this point i dont really know whether to laugh or cry or maybe do both] coz at this point it just seems screwed! You'd want for so and so and you'd wait patiently for it to come. But when it does.. It comes as everything you had ever wanted and more, the only sad thing is.. Its not what you want at that moment. And you know it'll never come back. You can only hope that i'll wait.. Or it'll be there when you look for it. But the thing is what if its not? What if you had made a mistake? What if that was the biggest mistake of your life and you could do nothing to remedy it. It'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

Just like its haunting mine now. Just like how i'm wondering if i'm making a mistake. On some days i can be so sure that this is the way to go. But on other days i'm just a complete wreck. On those days i'd just force myself to smile when inside i'm torned and utterly broken. Not many know how i really am except for him. Not many know how to handle me except for him. So do i change? Do i remain? Or do i just reject everything that comes too close to me.

I'll amit wholeheartedly you have such an effect on me that it hurts. It hurts to see you alone and sad. It hurts to know i'm the reason for that. But i dont know what to do. And i might sound childish or immature but i really dont know what to do, and i wish that someone could tell me the answer but miracles dont happen. They just don't. Or maybe i just dont deserve a miracle, that this would be my punishment for all that i have wronged.

I really wish i could just hold your hand, give you a hug and have you stare into my eyes, radiating a message saying i'm yours forever. But i can't. I cant do that unless i know for certain that its the right way to go. But when will i know whats the right way to go or not? What if by the time i'm certain its just too late? That you have gone for another who deserves you more?

Life doesnt contain a fairytale ending where everthing goes right, life is one big drama and it never stops. Excuse my pessimissism, but thats just the way i am. And i believe i do have a right to be.

Its just that all these questions constantly revolve in my head, it just confuses and distracts me. It leads me around a labyrinth where the end just seems to be doomed.. Tears just fall.. Smiles disappear and only darkness remains. Pain envelopes me as i sit in my small corner, trying to regain my composure so i can face the cruel world who never seems to be any less intimidating, who always seems to just place more and more pressure till the moment you break, till the moment you just seem to have no hope of getting back up ever again. Till you're just completely broken..