how far.

i feel so utterly and completely empty of anything positive. sure its usual. but not so now. the feelings just come unwelcomed and there is nothing i can do to stop it. i find it amazing how the people who are meant to be close to you can be so distant and cold. it never ceases to surprise me. yet it always seems to hurt me. i admit i have never settled those feelings. yet i have just pushes them away to settle them at another time convenient to me. you, you and you hurt so much. but not as much as it hurts to feel that you seriously never do anything right. they say every teenager goes through it. but it doesnt make things more easier to bear. it doesnt make things easier to know that what i think is normal isnt. it just doesnt. even though it hurts so much i can always dream for a better day yet in the pit of my heart i always feel that it will never happen. that happiness is temporary while sadness is permanent. nothing ever stays. everything will change. not always for the good. fuck to the people who say in the long run everything will be better. i've been like this since i was 6. you tell me why. and i have actually grown more so like this. i can hide it better. its my dirty little secret that no one needs to know. at least not when i'm in that particular mood. when i'm behind my mask grieving yet smiling. crying yet laughing. dying yet alive. every little thing just stabs you until its too deep to heal. until you live with that scar forever. never healing. its always there and it'll always be there until the day you die. you can never run away from it and you certainly cannot overcome it.
it started small and its growing. never ending. never dying. feeding on your pain and your anger and depression. its all a game in which i am losing. how far would i go to kill myself. you tell me.