its all about me

no man is an island
yet 3 is a crowd
every moment in your life will be shared with others
and most moments will be shared with that significant other in your life.
it doesn't matter whether that particular significant other will stay for long..
what matters is that you shared that moment.
and whether you realize it or not
most say you should be thankful that you are able to feel that moment in all its splendor
but its hard to follow through
and god knows not everyone is that saint-like.
god knows i'm not
hahaha
anyway back to my entry
what i wanted to send across is that no matter what
whether you like it or not, or whether you are conscious of it or not
you would've shared a moment with people, or maybe a few moments.

and i've had my moments.
the recent one being quite awesome.
something i would love to repeat if i have the chance.
if you're out there would you give me a chance?

how far.

i feel so utterly and completely empty of anything positive. sure its usual. but not so now. the feelings just come unwelcomed and there is nothing i can do to stop it. i find it amazing how the people who are meant to be close to you can be so distant and cold. it never ceases to surprise me. yet it always seems to hurt me. i admit i have never settled those feelings. yet i have just pushes them away to settle them at another time convenient to me. you, you and you hurt so much. but not as much as it hurts to feel that you seriously never do anything right. they say every teenager goes through it. but it doesnt make things more easier to bear. it doesnt make things easier to know that what i think is normal isnt. it just doesnt. even though it hurts so much i can always dream for a better day yet in the pit of my heart i always feel that it will never happen. that happiness is temporary while sadness is permanent. nothing ever stays. everything will change. not always for the good. fuck to the people who say in the long run everything will be better. i've been like this since i was 6. you tell me why. and i have actually grown more so like this. i can hide it better. its my dirty little secret that no one needs to know. at least not when i'm in that particular mood. when i'm behind my mask grieving yet smiling. crying yet laughing. dying yet alive. every little thing just stabs you until its too deep to heal. until you live with that scar forever. never healing. its always there and it'll always be there until the day you die. you can never run away from it and you certainly cannot overcome it.
it started small and its growing. never ending. never dying. feeding on your pain and your anger and depression. its all a game in which i am losing. how far would i go to kill myself. you tell me.

i never thought it possible.

i never thought it possible for a person to do a total 180 and just forget bout you.
i never thought it possible for you to find solace in another person.
i never thought it possible to feel happy and down and blur all at once.
i never thought it possible..

i was quiet.
but then i usually am,
but more so than usual.
even with the people surrounding me,
i creep back into myself.
hoping to find someone who can bring me out.
waiting for that someone who can bring me out.

so many times before i thought i had found that person
only to be wrong.
only to creep back a lil more into myself.

i'm wondering when i'll fully hide myself
and not care about anything
but that will never happen
coz no matter what happens,
when something happens i have hope and i creep back out again..

but then again i never thought some things were possible
and yet they turned out like that.
maybe
maybe not..

a living hell..

Hiding behind a mask
of what they want to see
the mask portrays a smiling girl
the farthest thing from me

Behind the mask however
this girl is far from strong
crumbling on the inside
trapped in a world gone wrong

My every thought is tainted
and the feeling still remains
nothing can ever save me now
or take away this pain

Tired of all the shame and the hate
i have to deal with everyday
drowning in the darkness
behind the fake image i seem to portray

Looking in the mirror i'd start to cry
hating whats refelcting back
all i see is imperfections
and an empty heart of black

The words echoing in my mind
broken beyond repair
wishing to break down and fall
but to catch her no ones there

She feels as thought there is no release
the the pain grows everyday
lining a life of sadness
will it ever go away?

The mask i wear is slipping
and its very easy to tell
this unbearable thing thats called my life
is a living hell...