Things just amaze you.

You know how you'd want, or how you'd list down, or how you'd plan for things to be.. But they don't turn out? Haha well mine is the opposite. [At this point i dont really know whether to laugh or cry or maybe do both] coz at this point it just seems screwed! You'd want for so and so and you'd wait patiently for it to come. But when it does.. It comes as everything you had ever wanted and more, the only sad thing is.. Its not what you want at that moment. And you know it'll never come back. You can only hope that i'll wait.. Or it'll be there when you look for it. But the thing is what if its not? What if you had made a mistake? What if that was the biggest mistake of your life and you could do nothing to remedy it. It'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

Just like its haunting mine now. Just like how i'm wondering if i'm making a mistake. On some days i can be so sure that this is the way to go. But on other days i'm just a complete wreck. On those days i'd just force myself to smile when inside i'm torned and utterly broken. Not many know how i really am except for him. Not many know how to handle me except for him. So do i change? Do i remain? Or do i just reject everything that comes too close to me.

I'll amit wholeheartedly you have such an effect on me that it hurts. It hurts to see you alone and sad. It hurts to know i'm the reason for that. But i dont know what to do. And i might sound childish or immature but i really dont know what to do, and i wish that someone could tell me the answer but miracles dont happen. They just don't. Or maybe i just dont deserve a miracle, that this would be my punishment for all that i have wronged.

I really wish i could just hold your hand, give you a hug and have you stare into my eyes, radiating a message saying i'm yours forever. But i can't. I cant do that unless i know for certain that its the right way to go. But when will i know whats the right way to go or not? What if by the time i'm certain its just too late? That you have gone for another who deserves you more?

Life doesnt contain a fairytale ending where everthing goes right, life is one big drama and it never stops. Excuse my pessimissism, but thats just the way i am. And i believe i do have a right to be.

Its just that all these questions constantly revolve in my head, it just confuses and distracts me. It leads me around a labyrinth where the end just seems to be doomed.. Tears just fall.. Smiles disappear and only darkness remains. Pain envelopes me as i sit in my small corner, trying to regain my composure so i can face the cruel world who never seems to be any less intimidating, who always seems to just place more and more pressure till the moment you break, till the moment you just seem to have no hope of getting back up ever again. Till you're just completely broken..