what does it matter...

if i choose to end my life?
the most it will give is heartache to some people but then again they'd move on cause the world stops for no one.
one life is gone and the world would still be spinning, regardless of that one lost life.

what if i feel that my life is lost?
or that i absolutely have no fucking idea what i'm doing now but wandering aimlessly,
what would you tell me?
to stop my self pity?
to get off my high horse?
to end it all neatly and efficiently?

whatever you tell me it goes in one ear and out the other.
believe me many have tried.
there is something wrong with me.
i seem to enjoy my own pain but at times its just ripping me apart i find other methods of pain to temporarily bring my mind off my pain.
mostly physical pain.

more often than not i find myself thinking what i'm getting myself into.
but then i'd just dismiss that thought and continue, somehow unconsciously knowing that it'll add to my pain but not caring anyway.

i lost people close to me.
i lost people who cared for me.
they moved on.
to better places..
i wouldnt blame them.
i'd congratulate them..
but nonetheless it leaves me alone to contemplate will i ever move on?
i feel like a goddamn bottle.
and everything is just kept inside.
and if i open up everything is just gonna flow out...
or maybe gush out..
however you want to put it.

i truly have no one to talk to now at this instant.
the factors either being distance or drama..
double d's.

i led myself on this path.
and yet it feels like i just completely screwed myself up.
i pushed away everything good and just invited everything bad.

its frustrating how you can help other people
yet you feel helpless..
you know?