Nothing matters

people say you should let out wht you feel before it becomes too much and it explodes out of you.. but what happens when you yourself can even identify wht you feel or wths wrong? then everything gets jumbled and tangled up until you're stuck and you cant pull yourself out of that web. its not a web of deceit but a web of... its a web of everything but nothing at the same time. its all the small things that you thought you could pass by or do without but gradually it got bigger and it collected into some big gigantic mass that ur stuck in. i cant help but feel all these emotions which aren't healthy for me but nonetheless i do wallow in them. i see everyone so happy around me. and i'm like the black dot on the white page. i dont fit it. i never do. whatever it is i'm always different. i dont belong anywhere. its like i'm on someone elses path. i'm so totally lost but all i can do is smile and pretend nothing is wrong coz i cant talk bout it. wht am i supposed to say when people ask whats wrong? "i dont know?!" how wrong is that. if you're crying you should have a reason why you cry. but i dont. i just cry. and no one knoes why. not even me. happiness is temporary while depression is forever. thats the way i look at things. coz that the way it is for me. joy never lasts. it always fades away while sadness will always be there. lurking in the dark corners, stalking you. or plainly right beside you. smothering you till you can feel anything else. till you feel numb. till you feel like you're in another world. i hear all these stories bout happiness, fairytale endings, good things coming to you when you wait, but to me they're all jst stories. you'll hear bout it but it wont happen. or if it does its not real. like a mirage. its not that i'm ungrateful for everything that i have. but the more things i do have the more i feel incomplete. so whats the point of having them at all? they just remind me of how sad i really am. i want someone to be there. someone to share everything with. co there's no use for me to have everything but yet it doesnt make me happy. in the end nothing will until i find my reason for emptyness and solve it. nothing matters at this point. nothing at all.

memories..

I felt joy but no longer do I feel joy
I felt secure but no longer do I feel secure
I felt hope but no longer do I feel hope
I felt love but no longer to I feel love.. thats fucking sure.

To continue on would be pathetic
To move on would be logical
But no matter how much I try
I seem to grow more and more pathetic each day

Karma backfired
And now Im getting what I deserve
In spite of all that I should just drop everything and move on
But Im continuing to hurt myself

Continuing this dumb role
In which I have no say
Continuing this pathetic life
In which leads me astray

I loved you from the moment you brought me out
But I couldnt say anything
You were so unsure of me
Because I was too scared to do anything

People tell me to move on
That I can do better
But how can I do that
When you were the best?

You told me you loved me and I fell silent
You told me you loved me and I doubted you
You told me you loved me when all I did was treat you wrong
You told me you loved me but obviously it didnt last long.

[wrote this after a break up.]