the past and the future?

its over.
but it was for the best kan?
nothing lasts so myte as well stop it before it gets deeper and worse.
i miss him but thats expected.
i miss him.. and i miss another.
its unfair but i do.
i cant differentiate my feelings
but one things for sure.
i'm not over "him"..
its jst the feeling of thinking of him makes me happy.
but i cant have him.
i know i never will.
its not suited anyway.
its too far apart to be compatible.
yet i feel so at ease with him.
its not good. but it happens.
poeple are supposed to move on but i havent quite learned that lesson yet..
i dont know when exactly i will learn that lesson.
ignorance i suppose is a part of my life and me.
just like the way i'm ignorant of other peoples feelings.
its not that i dont care.. its just easier not to care.
to play dumb and push it away
God knows alot of people do that.
but yeah.
It happened in the past.
and i'm hoping it'll happen again in the future...

what does it matter...

if i choose to end my life?
the most it will give is heartache to some people but then again they'd move on cause the world stops for no one.
one life is gone and the world would still be spinning, regardless of that one lost life.

what if i feel that my life is lost?
or that i absolutely have no fucking idea what i'm doing now but wandering aimlessly,
what would you tell me?
to stop my self pity?
to get off my high horse?
to end it all neatly and efficiently?

whatever you tell me it goes in one ear and out the other.
believe me many have tried.
there is something wrong with me.
i seem to enjoy my own pain but at times its just ripping me apart i find other methods of pain to temporarily bring my mind off my pain.
mostly physical pain.

more often than not i find myself thinking what i'm getting myself into.
but then i'd just dismiss that thought and continue, somehow unconsciously knowing that it'll add to my pain but not caring anyway.

i lost people close to me.
i lost people who cared for me.
they moved on.
to better places..
i wouldnt blame them.
i'd congratulate them..
but nonetheless it leaves me alone to contemplate will i ever move on?
i feel like a goddamn bottle.
and everything is just kept inside.
and if i open up everything is just gonna flow out...
or maybe gush out..
however you want to put it.

i truly have no one to talk to now at this instant.
the factors either being distance or drama..
double d's.

i led myself on this path.
and yet it feels like i just completely screwed myself up.
i pushed away everything good and just invited everything bad.

its frustrating how you can help other people
yet you feel helpless..
you know?