hmmm...

so alot has happened to me since i last blogged,
affecting my family life, my love life, my personal life and most of all my thoughts and how i see things.

so it got me wondering.. to try new things or to stick to old methods or habits..

which is right and which is wrong?

i guess it depends on the situation huh? but then again looking at the situation there are plus sides and there are the negatives.

coz i've tried both and its just fucked.. but you learn something new everyday.

and everyday you live is another day to be thankful for no matter how much it sucks.

gosh that sounds so unlike me...

whats happening???

has the world gone awol? or have i caught some mad disease like in 28 weeks later..

which btw is a sick, disgusting movie which seems to have no storyline.. just mindless killing and loads of blood. heh.

back to my philosophical side....

so i was wondering why people are the way they are.. not generally but looking at the dark side.

where all the lies and deceit comes from, the two face personality. why do they do what they do..

and if anyone has the theory or answer to that come look for me cause i'd sure as hell love to know why.

update!

oh the long0ness of not writing here.
haha
the long-ness of not having a com all to myself.

well alot of drama has happened.
update..

i'm working full time
converting to part time soon
i'm in a relationship.. love you baby.
i'm working to get a car which seems to be impossible.
gagaga
anndddd....

i'm cutting my hair today?
owh the randomness of my thots

haha but to everyone whos reading i am very sorry if i have done anything wrong towards you
intentionally or unintentionally
i truly am sorry.

if you have further grudges pls take it up with me personally.

its all about me

no man is an island
yet 3 is a crowd
every moment in your life will be shared with others
and most moments will be shared with that significant other in your life.
it doesn't matter whether that particular significant other will stay for long..
what matters is that you shared that moment.
and whether you realize it or not
most say you should be thankful that you are able to feel that moment in all its splendor
but its hard to follow through
and god knows not everyone is that saint-like.
god knows i'm not
hahaha
anyway back to my entry
what i wanted to send across is that no matter what
whether you like it or not, or whether you are conscious of it or not
you would've shared a moment with people, or maybe a few moments.

and i've had my moments.
the recent one being quite awesome.
something i would love to repeat if i have the chance.
if you're out there would you give me a chance?

how far.

i feel so utterly and completely empty of anything positive. sure its usual. but not so now. the feelings just come unwelcomed and there is nothing i can do to stop it. i find it amazing how the people who are meant to be close to you can be so distant and cold. it never ceases to surprise me. yet it always seems to hurt me. i admit i have never settled those feelings. yet i have just pushes them away to settle them at another time convenient to me. you, you and you hurt so much. but not as much as it hurts to feel that you seriously never do anything right. they say every teenager goes through it. but it doesnt make things more easier to bear. it doesnt make things easier to know that what i think is normal isnt. it just doesnt. even though it hurts so much i can always dream for a better day yet in the pit of my heart i always feel that it will never happen. that happiness is temporary while sadness is permanent. nothing ever stays. everything will change. not always for the good. fuck to the people who say in the long run everything will be better. i've been like this since i was 6. you tell me why. and i have actually grown more so like this. i can hide it better. its my dirty little secret that no one needs to know. at least not when i'm in that particular mood. when i'm behind my mask grieving yet smiling. crying yet laughing. dying yet alive. every little thing just stabs you until its too deep to heal. until you live with that scar forever. never healing. its always there and it'll always be there until the day you die. you can never run away from it and you certainly cannot overcome it.
it started small and its growing. never ending. never dying. feeding on your pain and your anger and depression. its all a game in which i am losing. how far would i go to kill myself. you tell me.

i never thought it possible.

i never thought it possible for a person to do a total 180 and just forget bout you.
i never thought it possible for you to find solace in another person.
i never thought it possible to feel happy and down and blur all at once.
i never thought it possible..

i was quiet.
but then i usually am,
but more so than usual.
even with the people surrounding me,
i creep back into myself.
hoping to find someone who can bring me out.
waiting for that someone who can bring me out.

so many times before i thought i had found that person
only to be wrong.
only to creep back a lil more into myself.

i'm wondering when i'll fully hide myself
and not care about anything
but that will never happen
coz no matter what happens,
when something happens i have hope and i creep back out again..

but then again i never thought some things were possible
and yet they turned out like that.
maybe
maybe not..

a living hell..

Hiding behind a mask
of what they want to see
the mask portrays a smiling girl
the farthest thing from me

Behind the mask however
this girl is far from strong
crumbling on the inside
trapped in a world gone wrong

My every thought is tainted
and the feeling still remains
nothing can ever save me now
or take away this pain

Tired of all the shame and the hate
i have to deal with everyday
drowning in the darkness
behind the fake image i seem to portray

Looking in the mirror i'd start to cry
hating whats refelcting back
all i see is imperfections
and an empty heart of black

The words echoing in my mind
broken beyond repair
wishing to break down and fall
but to catch her no ones there

She feels as thought there is no release
the the pain grows everyday
lining a life of sadness
will it ever go away?

The mask i wear is slipping
and its very easy to tell
this unbearable thing thats called my life
is a living hell...

the past and the future?

its over.
but it was for the best kan?
nothing lasts so myte as well stop it before it gets deeper and worse.
i miss him but thats expected.
i miss him.. and i miss another.
its unfair but i do.
i cant differentiate my feelings
but one things for sure.
i'm not over "him"..
its jst the feeling of thinking of him makes me happy.
but i cant have him.
i know i never will.
its not suited anyway.
its too far apart to be compatible.
yet i feel so at ease with him.
its not good. but it happens.
poeple are supposed to move on but i havent quite learned that lesson yet..
i dont know when exactly i will learn that lesson.
ignorance i suppose is a part of my life and me.
just like the way i'm ignorant of other peoples feelings.
its not that i dont care.. its just easier not to care.
to play dumb and push it away
God knows alot of people do that.
but yeah.
It happened in the past.
and i'm hoping it'll happen again in the future...