Its all bout moi .<33

hmmm...

2007-05-14T20:54:00.000+08:00

so alot has happened to me since i last blogged,
affecting my family life, my love life, my personal life and most of all my thoughts and how i see things.

so it got me wondering.. to try new things or to stick to old methods or habits..

which is right and which is wrong?

i guess it depends on the situation huh? but then again looking at the situation there are plus sides and there are the negatives.

coz i've tried both and its just fucked.. but you learn something new everyday.

and everyday you live is another day to be thankful for no matter how much it sucks.

gosh that sounds so unlike me...

whats happening???

has the world gone awol? or have i caught some mad disease like in 28 weeks later..

which btw is a sick, disgusting movie which seems to have no storyline.. just mindless killing and loads of blood. heh.

back to my philosophical side....

so i was wondering why people are the way they are.. not generally but looking at the dark side.

where all the lies and deceit comes from, the two face personality. why do they do what they do..

and if anyone has the theory or answer to that come look for me cause i'd sure as hell love to know why.

update!

2007-04-04T15:55:00.000+08:00

oh the long0ness of not writing here.
haha
the long-ness of not having a com all to myself.

well alot of drama has happened.
update..

i'm working full time
converting to part time soon
i'm in a relationship.. love you baby.
i'm working to get a car which seems to be impossible.
gagaga
anndddd....

i'm cutting my hair today?
owh the randomness of my thots

haha but to everyone whos reading i am very sorry if i have done anything wrong towards you
intentionally or unintentionally
i truly am sorry.

if you have further grudges pls take it up with me personally.

its all about me

2007-02-23T04:45:00.002+08:00

no man is an island
yet 3 is a crowd
every moment in your life will be shared with others
and most moments will be shared with that significant other in your life.
it doesn't matter whether that particular significant other will stay for long..
what matters is that you shared that moment.
and whether you realize it or not
most say you should be thankful that you are able to feel that moment in all its splendor
but its hard to follow through
and god knows not everyone is that saint-like.
god knows i'm not
hahaha
anyway back to my entry
what i wanted to send across is that no matter what
whether you like it or not, or whether you are conscious of it or not
you would've shared a moment with people, or maybe a few moments.

and i've had my moments.
the recent one being quite awesome.
something i would love to repeat if i have the chance.
if you're out there would you give me a chance?

how far.

2007-02-12T01:32:00.000+08:00

i feel so utterly and completely empty of anything positive. sure its usual. but not so now. the feelings just come unwelcomed and there is nothing i can do to stop it. i find it amazing how the people who are meant to be close to you can be so distant and cold. it never ceases to surprise me. yet it always seems to hurt me. i admit i have never settled those feelings. yet i have just pushes them away to settle them at another time convenient to me. you, you and you hurt so much. but not as much as it hurts to feel that you seriously never do anything right. they say every teenager goes through it. but it doesnt make things more easier to bear. it doesnt make things easier to know that what i think is normal isnt. it just doesnt. even though it hurts so much i can always dream for a better day yet in the pit of my heart i always feel that it will never happen. that happiness is temporary while sadness is permanent. nothing ever stays. everything will change. not always for the good. fuck to the people who say in the long run everything will be better. i've been like this since i was 6. you tell me why. and i have actually grown more so like this. i can hide it better. its my dirty little secret that no one needs to know. at least not when i'm in that particular mood. when i'm behind my mask grieving yet smiling. crying yet laughing. dying yet alive. every little thing just stabs you until its too deep to heal. until you live with that scar forever. never healing. its always there and it'll always be there until the day you die. you can never run away from it and you certainly cannot overcome it.
it started small and its growing. never ending. never dying. feeding on your pain and your anger and depression. its all a game in which i am losing. how far would i go to kill myself. you tell me.

i never thought it possible.

2007-02-10T22:21:00.000+08:00

i never thought it possible for a person to do a total 180 and just forget bout you.
i never thought it possible for you to find solace in another person.
i never thought it possible to feel happy and down and blur all at once.
i never thought it possible..

i was quiet.
but then i usually am,
but more so than usual.
even with the people surrounding me,
i creep back into myself.
hoping to find someone who can bring me out.
waiting for that someone who can bring me out.

so many times before i thought i had found that person
only to be wrong.
only to creep back a lil more into myself.

i'm wondering when i'll fully hide myself
and not care about anything
but that will never happen
coz no matter what happens,
when something happens i have hope and i creep back out again..

but then again i never thought some things were possible
and yet they turned out like that.
maybe
maybe not..

a living hell..

2007-02-07T20:08:00.000+08:00

Hiding behind a mask
of what they want to see
the mask portrays a smiling girl
the farthest thing from me

Behind the mask however
this girl is far from strong
crumbling on the inside
trapped in a world gone wrong

My every thought is tainted
and the feeling still remains
nothing can ever save me now
or take away this pain

Tired of all the shame and the hate
i have to deal with everyday
drowning in the darkness
behind the fake image i seem to portray

Looking in the mirror i'd start to cry
hating whats refelcting back
all i see is imperfections
and an empty heart of black

The words echoing in my mind
broken beyond repair
wishing to break down and fall
but to catch her no ones there

She feels as thought there is no release
the the pain grows everyday
lining a life of sadness
will it ever go away?

The mask i wear is slipping
and its very easy to tell
this unbearable thing thats called my life
is a living hell...

the past and the future?

2007-01-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

its over.
but it was for the best kan?
nothing lasts so myte as well stop it before it gets deeper and worse.
i miss him but thats expected.
i miss him.. and i miss another.
its unfair but i do.
i cant differentiate my feelings
but one things for sure.
i'm not over "him"..
its jst the feeling of thinking of him makes me happy.
but i cant have him.
i know i never will.
its not suited anyway.
its too far apart to be compatible.
yet i feel so at ease with him.
its not good. but it happens.
poeple are supposed to move on but i havent quite learned that lesson yet..
i dont know when exactly i will learn that lesson.
ignorance i suppose is a part of my life and me.
just like the way i'm ignorant of other peoples feelings.
its not that i dont care.. its just easier not to care.
to play dumb and push it away
God knows alot of people do that.
but yeah.
It happened in the past.
and i'm hoping it'll happen again in the future...

what does it matter...

2007-01-20T21:58:00.000+08:00

if i choose to end my life?
the most it will give is heartache to some people but then again they'd move on cause the world stops for no one.
one life is gone and the world would still be spinning, regardless of that one lost life.

what if i feel that my life is lost?
or that i absolutely have no fucking idea what i'm doing now but wandering aimlessly,
what would you tell me?
to stop my self pity?
to get off my high horse?
to end it all neatly and efficiently?

whatever you tell me it goes in one ear and out the other.
believe me many have tried.
there is something wrong with me.
i seem to enjoy my own pain but at times its just ripping me apart i find other methods of pain to temporarily bring my mind off my pain.
mostly physical pain.

more often than not i find myself thinking what i'm getting myself into.
but then i'd just dismiss that thought and continue, somehow unconsciously knowing that it'll add to my pain but not caring anyway.

i lost people close to me.
i lost people who cared for me.
they moved on.
to better places..
i wouldnt blame them.
i'd congratulate them..
but nonetheless it leaves me alone to contemplate will i ever move on?
i feel like a goddamn bottle.
and everything is just kept inside.
and if i open up everything is just gonna flow out...
or maybe gush out..
however you want to put it.

i truly have no one to talk to now at this instant.
the factors either being distance or drama..
double d's.

i led myself on this path.
and yet it feels like i just completely screwed myself up.
i pushed away everything good and just invited everything bad.

its frustrating how you can help other people
yet you feel helpless..
you know?

i love my baby..

2006-12-27T21:07:00.000+08:00

It might be a mistake but for now i couldnt care less coz for this moment this is what i want. I dont want to think bout my past, or my future. I just wanna live my life in this moment. i'm sorry for the hearts i hurt or have hurt. I really am. The truth is i did love you, or like.. But it wasnt meant to be i guess.. Plus i'm not that mature!

But this blog entry is dedicated to my current baby!

Abang Mohd Allif.

(love you baby alot alot alot)

The best thing bout new found relationships is the feeling of euphoria..

[For those who dont know what it means, it means a feeling of happiness, confidence, or well-being sometimes exaggerated in pathological states as mania.. But in this case it would mean the butterflies in your stomach, the constant high given by the drug of love, smiles and laughter caused by the slightest thought of your baby or anything related to your baby]

But when it fades off then you'll really see whether you're meant to be or not. Technically if you are meant to be the feeling of euphoria wouldnt completely fade away. It'll be there. Just in subtle terms..

So i guess we'll have to see whether this baby stays or not.

But for now i only have to say "I love my baby yup yup i love my boy"

wordless?

2006-12-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

It sucks not knowing what to say. Especially when you're in a conversation with another person and you're frantically trying to think of what to say that doesnt have any bad consequences or whatsoever. When the words finally do come out of your mouth, its either not enough, doesnt fulfill the conversation or it just creates more questions. You're mind then starts to resemble a tornado. With thoughts just spinning around, creating havoc and whatnot.

as the day advances

2006-12-19T03:50:00.000+08:00

ok so here i am
sbg 15
kaos world man
reflecting on my life and how i'm living it.
not to the max but to the way i generally liveit.
which, hence, why its my life.

i'm not making any sense am i?
owh well.. its my life
and i'll do whatever i fucking want!

well my hair is blue.
and the events never change.
i dunno whether to call myself loyal or good or blablabla
not that i'm trying to demean myself
but it seems like i'm just...not.

i failed figs again..
ut different sem this time.
i'm so screwed
but i got a job?
is that any better?
i guess not.

i'm at peace with most people.
not with some.
but not at war with anyone.
or at least i dont think so..?

i've been wondering if i'm a nice person.
i've got some esteem and trust issues.
and its got me thinking like hell.
i dunno when to back off or when to go forward.
what i do and waht i think is sometimes right and vice versa.
so nowi guess i will let everything out.
coz keeping it in aint good innit?

you knoe what.
cancel it
i'd rather let it out to other people man!

does it matter?

2006-12-18T11:14:00.000+08:00

does it matter at all that i try to make peace with you?
does it matter at all that whenever you change moods i still follow?
does it matter at all that i like talking to you?
does it matter at all how i feel?
does it?
cause thats not what i seem to be getting.
everything i seem to be getting is just negative and against me.
but i cant hope for a best friend.
coz no matter how much he said he would try
and how my happiness means the world to him
i dont think he will.
im sorry that i chose another.
im sorry that unknowingly i gave such a short time.
im sorry that i cause you so much pain and agony.
im really sorry.
but you wont let me properly say im sorry
cause whenever we talk harsh words seem to spill out.
arguements start and never end...
it is better for you to just let me go.
and never talk to me again?
you seemed like the perfect person i could talk to.
but it ended up the same like everyone.
they talk and i listen..
except this time we seem to be argueing more and more
like always eh?
why should this time be any different.
why should it be any different at all?
anything i ask you will be replied with a ''Does it matter?''
''You have plenty of other people to fill up your time. Ppl who are more important to you and whom you've known longer.''
if thats the case then why do i bother talking to you at all?
can it be for the reason that i care for you too?
maybe not the way you want me to but i still care.
more so why do i bother making peace with you?
when all we do is argue the minute we make peace.
why do i fucking bother???
you tell me.

contemplating love

2006-12-12T15:08:00.000+08:00

What is love? Isit the fluttering of the butterflies in your stomach? The willingness to do anything for the person you have feelings for? Or would some people describe it as an unspoken bond between two souls that bind them for eternity or so and so. Someone told me love is all about making choices, taking risks, giving things a chance. But when do you really know when to make that choice, or when to take the risk, or when to give things a chance?

Love.. Is it really the best feeling in the world? If it were why would people feel sad over love? Why would you feel guilty over love? Feel mad or feel broken? Is love is that great that we succumb to it purely and wholly till theres nothing left of us?

The truth is no one can define love accurately. Some people can say love sucks, some can say it rocks their world, or some can have no comment at all. But the truth is when love comes it'll hit us all and we'll react in different ways but bottom line is we want love, we want to love and be loved. No matter how hard you push it away, love will still come to you. In different forms or gestures but it's still there whether you realise it or not. And when it comes you might not realise it at first but when you do love really is the best drug in the whole world.

Love can be private and public, but it is never inappropriate...and it should be kept that way. .<33

Things just amaze you.

2006-12-11T22:16:00.000+08:00

You know how you'd want, or how you'd list down, or how you'd plan for things to be.. But they don't turn out? Haha well mine is the opposite. [At this point i dont really know whether to laugh or cry or maybe do both] coz at this point it just seems screwed! You'd want for so and so and you'd wait patiently for it to come. But when it does.. It comes as everything you had ever wanted and more, the only sad thing is.. Its not what you want at that moment. And you know it'll never come back. You can only hope that i'll wait.. Or it'll be there when you look for it. But the thing is what if its not? What if you had made a mistake? What if that was the biggest mistake of your life and you could do nothing to remedy it. It'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

Just like its haunting mine now. Just like how i'm wondering if i'm making a mistake. On some days i can be so sure that this is the way to go. But on other days i'm just a complete wreck. On those days i'd just force myself to smile when inside i'm torned and utterly broken. Not many know how i really am except for him. Not many know how to handle me except for him. So do i change? Do i remain? Or do i just reject everything that comes too close to me.

I'll amit wholeheartedly you have such an effect on me that it hurts. It hurts to see you alone and sad. It hurts to know i'm the reason for that. But i dont know what to do. And i might sound childish or immature but i really dont know what to do, and i wish that someone could tell me the answer but miracles dont happen. They just don't. Or maybe i just dont deserve a miracle, that this would be my punishment for all that i have wronged.

I really wish i could just hold your hand, give you a hug and have you stare into my eyes, radiating a message saying i'm yours forever. But i can't. I cant do that unless i know for certain that its the right way to go. But when will i know whats the right way to go or not? What if by the time i'm certain its just too late? That you have gone for another who deserves you more?

Life doesnt contain a fairytale ending where everthing goes right, life is one big drama and it never stops. Excuse my pessimissism, but thats just the way i am. And i believe i do have a right to be.

Its just that all these questions constantly revolve in my head, it just confuses and distracts me. It leads me around a labyrinth where the end just seems to be doomed.. Tears just fall.. Smiles disappear and only darkness remains. Pain envelopes me as i sit in my small corner, trying to regain my composure so i can face the cruel world who never seems to be any less intimidating, who always seems to just place more and more pressure till the moment you break, till the moment you just seem to have no hope of getting back up ever again. Till you're just completely broken..

ladeedaa

2006-11-20T20:20:00.000+08:00

ok so like..
i'm back in kl
and been at astana for the past few days
with fiqah,chiq and elle.
been fun.

got a job at sbg parade but i turned it down
i'm gonna regret it later but for now i'd rather spend time with fiqah n chiq
before they go to kch.
one week.
then i guess i can get a job.

now onto other news.
mogwai!
falling deeperrr and deeepeerrrr
yupyup
and last nyte i was not in any mood coz like i found out something bout him and another her.
but i still dunno the truth
but his myspace has changed
so i guess he has too?
or maybe not.
but can i be optimistic for once?
i'm guessing not coz i couldnt be the whole day...

anyhoo dont wanna dwell on it more.
gonna go..

...

the list

2006-10-20T14:18:00.000+08:00

*dum dum dum*

lol

anyhoo
those who are close to me would knoe what this means
and the new info is..
*drumroll*
the list had grown!
:O..
actually..
not that shocking huh?

hshaha

anyhoo
moving on
I'M IN KUCHING!!
hahaha
bloody hell yeah!
but its been raining and all and i havent been anywhere besides

the airport (mini KLIA)
sri bahagia
mummy's house

lol..

anyhoooo i'm gonna go off now coz i have absolutely nothing to say haha

ciao for now!

confused part II

2006-10-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

haha ok so here goes
still confused but different reason

i'm sitting in front of a bright screen amidst the voices of women packing.
(you dont knoe how much they can talk bout, from one topic to another.)
so it kinda adds to my blurness.
everythings just around me now.
gosh.

moving on.
the target?
my prev target
muahaha
sadly it hasnt ended.
more sadly i cant even speak openly here.
(just in case)
yeah soo...
first it was that nyte
then the songs came.
then the messages.
and i stopped coz of recent information
but then recent information was false.
sort of
then i kinda retreated back on path.
but data came back
reality hit, target and centre!
but then in a few secs it was gone.
and he got me laughing.
he got me smiling.
and he got me feeling it.
again...

isat bad or good?
should i just let it go?
or should, like he said "you should go for what you want"
its all nice but confusing.

haha whats the saddest part is that this blog seems to be dedicated to my so called love life.
and nothing else.
lol.
but truth is that the onyl problems i have
other problems i cnt be bothered to put in here.
its too personal.
and frankly i dont want anyone knowing bout it
ya wanna know, get to know me first and ask me.

gosh i'm going to kuching in loike 7 more days!
a week more
i cant wait!
lol.

*reads back and realises i changed topic randomly*

hahaha
whoops.
nvm.
my blog.
my rules.
my desires!

haha i wish

plus i just realised i cam whore less now
which is kinda of a surprise.
and a disappointment.
i have no one to camwhore with now.
thet're all gone.
either to college, or to the us or to kelantan!

you know who you are!

ish.
an hour left to buka puasa.
and i'm too lazy to continue any further.
hmp.
will continue another day

bwai.

confused? maybe.

2006-10-10T23:16:00.000+08:00

ok
so what happens when a close friend asks you to be his gf?
what happens if you never thot of him in that way?
what happens if he actually had a gf?
what happens if you like someone else?

what happens?

everything goes haywire.

well not really but i dont have the heart to say no.
neither do i have the heart to say yes
so its kinda hanging now
even tho i dont even know if i have a chance with the guy i do like.

gosh...
wouldnt it all be better if we got the things we wanted?
but then it'd be so boring!
haha
i cant seem to make up my mind.

but you know what?
life still goes on
and we all hope for the best.
ryte now i'm really hoping things turn out good.
hope for me too?

gosh

2006-10-07T01:01:00.000+08:00

i quite like that word now
gosh
gosh
gosh
goshgoshgoshgoshgoshgoshgosh
lol
ok
i think you should be able to recognise the signs..
i'm bored!
and jobless

well now i'm like so free..
going back to kuching in 8 more days
hahaha
8 more effing days and i'll be in kuching
yay
10 more effing days and i get to spend time with fiqah and chiq

so for now i'm like calling everyone i knoe and asking them to buka puasa with me
before i go to kch..
gosh
[see there i go again]
8 more days
lol.
besides that i can finally meet some people which i havent met in ages or whom i havent met at all.

besides the fact that i'm excited to go back to kuching,
i'm frustrated by the fact of getting a car
my problem is money!
well i can get a part time job now and like save up
plus i have my raya money
but like if i'm paying for the car myself
it'll take me 7 years to pay it off!!!
7 years..
so i'm trying to pick a good car now
if i'm gonna hafta live with it for 7 years
but its alright ryte?
i mean like i dont really need a flashy car
coz i kinda wanna do mine up anyway
hahaha
airbrush..
engine
exhaust
springs
tyres

loll
i'm getting ahead of myself
i dont even have my lisence yet
which poses another problem!
haha
but thats a minor problem that can be done after raya
now its just the car!
and the money..

first gotta find a job after raya.

eee..
now marq has brought to my attention other expenses

owh wait
not.

hahahaha
it doesnt concern me...
much
lol.

well for now it doesnt.

now just gonna worry bout the job.
myte work in ou.
toy shop.
well sounds like fun ryte?
someone encourage me please.
i really want my car!!
i want to be able to drive around.
to have access to go out!
geez.
now i knoe wht it means to grow up..
and i dont like it that i'm growing up faster than most of my age
[in terms of responsibility and maturity.. and regretfully looks.. ish]
wait till after raya la

hopefully everything works out like it always does.
hopefully.

lalalalala.. wheeee

2006-09-29T15:15:00.000+08:00

We were in love before
But now it's so much more
Cause when I kiss your lips I can't explain
What I feel in my heart for you
I don't know what I'd do
Baby if I lost you
Cause I've been without you and I know how it feels
And I can't be alone anymore
I know its more than love
Baby I can feel it
When I'm close to you
I know its more than love baby do you
Maybe my words can't explain
Why I'm feeling this way

effing sweet song innit?
its more than love by Los Lonely Boys
arif told me to dl it

i swear to God its so sweet i ended up listening to it over and over again
haha
i love the lyrics and the meaning behind the lyrics.

i'm just so high nowadays
yay
no longer depressed..
well no longer depressed much
[:

well at least its an improvement ryte??

anyhoooo
moving onnn..
i'm happy now and thats all that counts
coz you should live in the moment
if you dont you never know whether you'll get that moment back again.

To all of you who always tell me
"Ya Allah normah not again"
i'm sorry its not my fault things happen.
but the very least you should be happy that i'm happy.
and if you can't even do that i'm sorry.
i'm not gonna try and convince you.

but you know what i'm happy now and thats that.

lol...

goshhh i just feel so high ryte now!!!
but its a nice feeling.
way niiiiiiiiiiice..
lol.

but i read something that i really liked..
so i'm just gonna end this blog with that
[:

Love can be private and public, but it is never inappropriate...
and it should be kept that way. .<33

normah van houdt naem.. my ass!!!

2006-09-25T12:33:00.000+08:00

i'm single but unavailable.
i'm free but tied.
hahahaha

[you knoe sometimes i feel so sad bout keeping this blog but who cares.]

bottom line naem is no more.
after one week and two days.
and i'm glad.
my prev posts?
fuckit!!!
i was dumb as always
wait more like blurrrrrrrr

anyhooooo.
so i went out with za on friday nyte
and it turns out i met clara there as well
small world
but by the by it was nice meeting her and her bf and his friends.
dint take photos that nite except for one.
wow that was a miracle
but all other photos were taken by erik
and i look so awful in all of them!!!

but it was a fun nyte
wait it was a really nice nite

met zuki, (who is from kch oso.... i knoe.. small world...)
his dad, (whos really really nice.. lol)
erik,
arif,
and few others.

haha
it was a fun nyte
and we'll hafta see whether it can happen again

i wish i could recount everything into this blog but its not safe to do so!!!
haish
problem innit?
hahaha
but its ok coz everyone whos close to me knoes what happened anyway.

ok so moving on
i have this problem
and i admit it.
i'm scared of relationships.
more of i'm scared of getting hurt.
or fear of anything else happening.

what made me realise this was someone asked me whether i believe in love.
and without thinking i said no.
straight out no.

but i so wanna believe in it.
i just havent found reason or cause to do so.
i am wishing someone could make me believe but guess i gotta be patient.
patient
patient
patient
patient
patient
patient.

arent i always patient?
gosh even with a theoretical question i can hear the voices of people saying no.
agaga
anyhoo.
i'm trying.

and i hope i succeed...

[reach for the stars, you might not get it. but you wont end up with a handful of mud.]

i feel random now

2006-09-20T00:06:00.001+08:00

hahaha
saje je nak blog.
lol.

hmmm..
now what?

wanna get my liscence
wanna get a job
wanna get my car, do it up and airbrush it
wanna get the airbrush machine

wanna spend loads of time with naem!!!
naem naem naem naem

normah van houdt naem

buuuut..
hes always busy
):

i miss him so muchy muchy much much
i wish he knew that i wanna spend time with him and not his msgs!
frustrating

but yeah

gonna go the distance
haha
reminds me of hercules

miss watching cartoons
sunday mornings.
well i dont get up that early anymore but yeah
lol

ok ok
back to my wants
hehe

i wanna spend time with naem

i wanna spend time with chiq n fiqah

wanna spend time with all 3 of them together
and chris too
hehe

naem if by any chance you're readin this i want you to knoe that i miss you and i want to spend time with you!!!!

plus it would be nice if you woud reply my msgs instead of leaving me hanging.
wargh
jobless and random

weeee

"talk to me dance with me girl.. you're the spotlight"

weee

hot hot heat rocks

recently started listening to them again..

fiqaaaaaah!!! chiq!!!!!
remember when we used to listen to this in your room.
hahahah
damn funny
:P

miss you two like fuck loads!
come back fassssssst

then we have fun
hehehe

normah houdt van naem

2006-09-14T20:08:00.000+08:00

Naughty
Adorable
Endearing
Mine! .<33

and while hes with me i dont want anyone else with him. i dont intend on sharing and if he does he wont be with me for long.
he asked me today. and i said yes. but now i have doubts. wht if it was the way it was before? msg in the morning. seldom see each other. no replies at nyte. time can only tell and i hope i made a good choice. i hope hes not like me exs. and i hope i wont get bored fast, i really do.
i cant forget bout him now, but lets hope i do soon. i know i'm not ready, but maybe this will be sort of a preparation.. maybe?
anyhooo i made the decision now just hafta go straight and go for it. hahaha. we'll see how it is. he seems nice. just fucking shy. and i'm the one thats sposed to be shy hahaha.
things have changed, but maybe its coz of the company i'm with. maybe its coz i havent been alone with him. all these maybe's are killing me. for once i'd like to know the ans to something like right now. but maybe its nice not to know the ans. to just drift along. haha. for now he's mine and thats all that matters. muahxxs. syg b.

problems? i think YES

2006-09-13T14:34:00.000+08:00

haha. ok so now theres 6 guys. interested in neither. not ready. accept it!!!! if you like me wait. if you dont move on. but most prolly just move on. i dont want to be in a relationship now. and you should know that already. if i havent told you, you should have already seen the signs. like duh! i liked a guy to have him lie to me. i liked a guy to have him cage me. i liked a guy to have him unbearable to be with. i liked a guy to have him play me. and now i'll tell you i'm not ready to have yet another guy chip away bits and pieces of me. i especially dont like a guy who likes me accuse me of liking somebody else just because i talk to him. am i not allowed to talk to anyone i want? have i no free will? am i your pet? or your slave that you can dictate what i do? even if i was with you i'm not your toy. i'm your equal. and if i was with you you'd know that. or if you knew me at all you would know that. i dont like it when another guy refuses to see me just because i'm with his friends. or just because i refuse to meet him somewhere he wants to be. you dont call or message. leave. if you did honestly like me you would make the effort or at least explain why you dont do so. Do not lie to me to gain sympathy or my attention cause when i find out thats fake i will screw you. i'm not someone you can play with and if you think i am i'm sorry. i'm sorry if i dont show my feelings or if i'm quiet i find it hard to be open sometimes and thats just me. i'd like to be with someone who can talk to me and who knows when i'm down or when i'm pretending to be happy. cause thats who knows me for me and no one else. and thats who knows how to take care of me. i dont expect much. but what i do expect is less than most girls would expect from their other halves. just because i'm single that does not give you any right to start anything without my say. if you want to start something please make sure i'm willing or at least not blur or asleep. these are my random thoughts and if you can understand them, and remember them while you're with me i'll salute you.

Nothing matters

2006-08-14T16:39:00.001+08:00

people say you should let out wht you feel before it becomes too much and it explodes out of you.. but what happens when you yourself can even identify wht you feel or wths wrong? then everything gets jumbled and tangled up until you're stuck and you cant pull yourself out of that web. its not a web of deceit but a web of... its a web of everything but nothing at the same time. its all the small things that you thought you could pass by or do without but gradually it got bigger and it collected into some big gigantic mass that ur stuck in. i cant help but feel all these emotions which aren't healthy for me but nonetheless i do wallow in them. i see everyone so happy around me. and i'm like the black dot on the white page. i dont fit it. i never do. whatever it is i'm always different. i dont belong anywhere. its like i'm on someone elses path. i'm so totally lost but all i can do is smile and pretend nothing is wrong coz i cant talk bout it. wht am i supposed to say when people ask whats wrong? "i dont know?!" how wrong is that. if you're crying you should have a reason why you cry. but i dont. i just cry. and no one knoes why. not even me. happiness is temporary while depression is forever. thats the way i look at things. coz that the way it is for me. joy never lasts. it always fades away while sadness will always be there. lurking in the dark corners, stalking you. or plainly right beside you. smothering you till you can feel anything else. till you feel numb. till you feel like you're in another world. i hear all these stories bout happiness, fairytale endings, good things coming to you when you wait, but to me they're all jst stories. you'll hear bout it but it wont happen. or if it does its not real. like a mirage. its not that i'm ungrateful for everything that i have. but the more things i do have the more i feel incomplete. so whats the point of having them at all? they just remind me of how sad i really am. i want someone to be there. someone to share everything with. co there's no use for me to have everything but yet it doesnt make me happy. in the end nothing will until i find my reason for emptyness and solve it. nothing matters at this point. nothing at all.

memories..

2006-08-09T22:09:00.001+08:00

I felt joy but no longer do I feel joy
I felt secure but no longer do I feel secure
I felt hope but no longer do I feel hope
I felt love but no longer to I feel love.. thats fucking sure.

To continue on would be pathetic
To move on would be logical
But no matter how much I try
I seem to grow more and more pathetic each day

Karma backfired
And now Im getting what I deserve
In spite of all that I should just drop everything and move on
But Im continuing to hurt myself

Continuing this dumb role
In which I have no say
Continuing this pathetic life
In which leads me astray

I loved you from the moment you brought me out
But I couldnt say anything
You were so unsure of me
Because I was too scared to do anything

People tell me to move on
That I can do better
But how can I do that
When you were the best?

You told me you loved me and I fell silent
You told me you loved me and I doubted you
You told me you loved me when all I did was treat you wrong
You told me you loved me but obviously it didnt last long.

[wrote this after a break up.]

its raining

2006-07-26T05:50:00.000+08:00

its 5.47 am and its raining and i'm awake..
dya knoe when it rains thats the best time to sleep?
you feel so secure and snuggled up in your comforter.
but no i'm awake
why you ask?
because i'm a procrastinator.
how does being a procrastinator tie in with this you ask?
because if i had anough common sense i wouldnt have slept the afternoon away
if i had enough common sense i would've done my wokr first then sleep
if i had enough common sense i wouldnt be stoning now
if i had enough common sense i wouldve known tomorrow i cant sleep cause i have more work
but whaddaya know
i didnt have enough common sense.
so here i am
now 5.49 am
waiting for my watercolour to dry so i can apply yet another layer and wait for it to dry again
stoning
listening to trance to keep me awake
which isnt working much
why you ask am i whining?
because thats what i do when i'm stoned
i'm either effing quiet or i'd always have to say something
which results in something not good
not a good time to piss me off
but here i am
alone
no one can piss me off
unless someone decides to drop by or call
but unlikely
thats good
but you know what else is good?
my bed
my comforter
my pillow on which i lie my head on every time i'm asleep
but tonight i cant have that benefit
why you ask?
because i cant sleep
why you ask?
because i didnt have enough common sense
common sense for what you ask?
enough common sense to think about finishing my artwork early that i had to stay up to do it.
so now here i am
waiting for the stupid artwork to dry so yet another layer can be added
then oh joy i'll have to wait for it to dry again.
such joy
isnt it so much fun?
aren't i so sarcastic right bout now?
well too effing bad
i cant effing help it
you know why?
coz i'm lacking sleep
and i'm lacking common sense
haha
wow
what a surprise.
what else you ask?
jee whiz i dont know
owh wait yes i do
i'm lacking in good humour
and i'm lacking in emotions
see cause right bout now i'm numb
i dont feel anything but a bottomless pit of despair
why you ask?
because it all ties in with the fact that i'm a PROCRASTINATOR!

Its you.

2006-07-23T21:56:00.000+08:00

There you go
again and again i wonder
are you mine?
or am i dreaming of something thats doomed to go under?

Forever you shall remain in my heart
but will i stay forever in yours?
i see smiles and i see laughter
but so my tears start to pour

I'm insecure i admit
but its you who has my love
i hope you wont turn into my biggest fear
i hope you wont turn into a dove

A dove may symbolise love and such
it may bring happiness to much
but in the end a bird is just a bird
it could fly away after a single touch

I'm insecure i admit
but its you who has my love
you made me smile when i wanted to cry
like an angel sent from above

Its you who stays in my mind
its you who stays in my heart
and i swear i'll do everything i can
to make sure we don't part

Its you
its only been you
its you
its oh-so-fucking true

I'm insecure i admit
but its you who has my love
and nothing will change that
its you i love, my angel from above, my dove

Its you i love.

insomniac

2006-07-17T07:41:00.000+08:00

owh gawd i've been sleeping irregularly these past few months.
more so these past few days.

ok so its 17th july 2006
i turned 17 2 days ago.
yay
whee

its a monday and i havent slept.
my figures are all 80% complete.
and the only thing on my mind is food.
wait food and him.
(those who i hold dear to my heart will know wht i'm talking bout)

moving on life is unfolding.
and we gain experience.
but does experience count?
it just proves you've gone through it before
but it doesnt necessarily make you a better person, or better at that thing.
it can happen to you over and over again
but you can still repeat the same mistake.

will you ever change?
or are things going to stay like this forever?
it happened not once, not twice, but this would be a third time.
sucky innit?

owh bugger.

and i dont know what to do.
i'm still here
waiting

and not only is it happening to me but to other people around me.
i'm stuck in this parallel universe where only this happens.

and how do i escape?

its hard but i dont care

2006-07-05T11:02:00.000+08:00

Its hard to know you love her
its hard to know she loves you too
its hard to know i might be wasting my time
but i'll love you all the way through.

You give me light, when everything seems dark
you give me joy, when everything seems hopeless
you give me laughter, when all i wanna do is cry
and i hope you'll give me the chance to return the favours.

If and when you do
i'll love you with my heart
i'll love you with my soul
and i'll do everything i can to make sure we never part.

.<33

Pantun..

2006-07-02T16:31:00.000+08:00

Anak merbah terciap ciap

ada tanda hari nak petang

darah di dada girap gemirap

ada tanda cinta nak datang

.<33

emotions take control.

2006-06-26T00:37:00.000+08:00

isit normal to blog so many times in one month?
fuckit.

sat nyte was fun.
to all you ex elc-ians it was nice seeing ya
then after that was nice too hahaha
well some of it.

ok.
moving on.

haha love me shutterslut and flashbitch!
memories man!
haha
the things you do that you'll never forget
like..

"Go England!!!"

ahahaha..
that nyte was dumb
dumb but fun
cant believe i left my toblerone there.
what a waste of rm1.70

boredom strikes so this wouldbe the time where i would be thinking the most
bout wht happened.
bout some things.
or some people.

haha not so much of think as dream
but everyone daydreams.
so no harm done.

hmm what else?

ooh i got a hug!
haha
how pathetic can i get.
i got offers and dates
but i prefer a hug more
maybe its coz of...

nvm
ya'll can deduce edy
(=

hmmm..
worthwhile?
yes?
no?

you tell me.

i only want one answer.

but wondering whether i'll get it?

Falling in love

2006-06-22T02:37:00.000+08:00

When you think of your past love, you may view it as a failure. But when you find new love, you view the past as a teacher. In the game of love, it doesn't matter who won or lost. What's important is you know when to hold on and when to let go. You know you really love someone when you want him or her to be happy, even if their happiness means you're not part of it. Everything happens for a reason, for the best. If the person you love, doesn't love you back, don't be afraid to love someone else again, for you'll never know unless you give it a try. You'll never love a person you love unless you risk for it. Love strives in hurting. If you don't get hurt, you won't learn how to love. Love doesn't hurt all the time. Though the hurting is still there to test you, to help you grow. Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall. You just fall. You cannot finish a book without closing it's chapters. If you wanna go on you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. Love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single carress. It is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing. The greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. We lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love ourself. On falling out of love, take some time to heal and beckon the horse. But don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time. To love is to risk rejection, to live is to risk dying, to hope is to risk failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self, to love is to risk to not be loved in return. How to define love: Fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but never keep the pain. Love is like a knife. It can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that can last for a lifetime. Love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. It should inspire you and give you joy and strength. But sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. Loving people means giving them the freedom. Who they choose to be and where they choose to be. For all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you should give thanks, for you know, they were the things that help you grow.

Loving someone means giving him or her the freedom to find his or her way, whether it leads towards you or away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but must be taken no matter how painful or scary, for only then you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why. If you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love. There will be a time in our lives, where we will be afraid to fall in love because everytime we do we get hurt. Then i figured that's why it's called FALLING IN LOVE..

[Chiq, my beloved cousin .<33]

What the hell?!

2006-06-20T23:50:00.000+08:00

haha
what the hell?
life is so twisted :P
lol.

retribution comes to mind when i think of this situation
haha.
depressing but funny at the same time lol.

sorry hyper mood
kinda happy

but i miss hugs and holding hands.
i miss caring words and/or whispers.
i miss someone taking care of me.
apparently i miss alot of things

but cnt really dwell on those things now
although i'd love to
but effing busy with work, training sessions and show.

)=

my leg aches!!
but i enjoy dancing.
i actually dont mind when i dance.
jst when i stop then i start exxagerating and complaining
but before that i'd be twisting, twirling, etcetc

hehe
life is fun.
jst some things fuck it up.

trying to always see the brighter side.
but sometimes its hard.

anyone wanna help me?

Plain white t's- my only one

2006-06-14T20:20:00.000+08:00

Oh please, don't go.
I need you.
I'll please you, not mislead you.
If you would be my only one.
Together we move slowly.
I'll never leave you lonely.
If you would be my only one.
If you believe
we were meant to be.
Why'd you leave me alone?
What happend to forever?
I'll try to make things better.
If you would be my only one.
Now six days since we've spoken.
I'll fix you when you're broken.
If you would be my only one.
If you believe
we were meant to be.
Why'd you leave me alone?
If you believe
we were meant to be.
Why'd you leave me alone?
If you love me too.
Can I call you?
My Only One.
If you say no.
I won't let go.
My Only One.
If you believe
we were meant to be.
Why'd you leave me alone?
If you believe
we were meant to be.
Why'd you leave me alone?

One..

2006-06-14T19:44:00.000+08:00

haha my first blog :P

so usually i guess we treat this as a diary ryte?
like a diary everyone can read..

haha

ok so ya'll can get to knoe me better then
(=

so now then i'm me

i'm unique..
but so is everyone else.

and as you can see i'm a pessimist unless i got a cause to be optimistic

(=

i love dancing and music..
they rox my sox!

i'm sort of a performer
and i've done salsa, samba and bellydancing
yesh!!!

haha

oraite..

as a person.. or as emotions i am usually erm..
blur,
emo,
jobless,
hyper for no reason,
talkative.. unless ppl start talking bout things i dont knoe!

basically thats what i think..
but ya'll might see differently

emotions run my life.
kinda hard for me to think straight sometimes hehe..

i am currently single but i aint available
and i hope i dnt screw this up..
i really do..

anyhoo moving on..

i'm studying art tho i suck at it..
haha

and i'm living a lie..
most of the time..

someone help me untangle this web of deceit?